We, Judge!
Aware it or not, we tend to judge others by their actions, and judge ourselves by the intentions, which, blocks the door to engage, influence and connect.
Countlessly, I encountered leaders who are passionate, driven and committed, but frustrated with PEOPLE issues! Such as get betrayed by the business partner or key employee(s), or get fed up when the employee doesn't follow through or under-deliver what promised, or get fried when people don't do what they said they would do or don't want to take any responsibility.....
Leadership is about influence, whether we have a formal leadership role or not, we have the ability to influence others, therefore, the ability to lead.
It is simple but not that simple!
To enhance such ability to influence, two skills are particularly important:
1. Leading with Compassion, and
2. Communicating with Insight.
Compassion is not about "being SOFT" or "Permissive", "Compassion Makes Courage", as summarized by Dr Thupten Jinpa, one of the leading researchers at Stanford's Centre for Compassion, "Having compassion for others frees us from fearing ... it turns our attention outward, expanding our perspective..."
Do you have the courage to say and do what is right?
Every time when you say and do what is right, do you also get the right outcomes expected?
Take a second to reflect:
Have you sometimes say 'yes' when you actually want to say 'no'?
Have you ever bitten your tongue and avoided saying how you feel to avoid conflict?
Have you ever disengaged from a conversation or relationship because you don't feel heard?
Many of these behaviours appear when we have to engage in a difficult conversation with somebody, it is "difficult' because it is IMPORTANT yet extremely HARD to do, so we usually choose to avoid them.
In every conversation, there are 3 levels of communication going on simultaneously:
the content level
the feelings level
the identify level
What we usually neglected is the conversation on the identity level, which is an internal conversation we each have with ourselves about Who we are and How we see ourselves, it is the conversation that asks: "what does this all say about me?", "Am I competent (or not)?", "Am I a good person (or not)?", "Am I worthy of respect (or not)?"... When there is an underlying identity issue at stake, we tend to be caught up by our strong emotional reactivity patterns, regardless of how well-prepared and well-intended the content is, we would be blind and deaf!
If at the end of the year, you do need to have that important yet hard conversation done, given it is a performance conversation or a request for raise or promotion, don't hide behind a phone call or an email, raise it with courage and compassion, conduct it with grace and respect!
